Neil Deadman

Author (scurrilous)

From When I Grow Up (Mucusart Publications, 2006)

When I Grow Up I Want To Be A...

ROCK STAR

Never, ever, answer a ‘Wanted’ ad: you must form the band. This ensures that you’ll be the singer/guitarist, get to do all the chat shows, photo-shoots and, most importantly, have first use of both the syringe and the groupies. Always bear in mind that drummers, keyboardists and (especially) bass players have as much credibility as a geography teacher and all the glamour of a piss-stained wino in a department store’s doorway. In fact, recent government statistics show that 79% of all homeless people were once session musicians and toured with the Stone Roses.
After a few years, your band will be torn apart by ‘creative differences’ - hopefully an event you yourself will have manipulated - and a solo career will beckon. At this point you may be tempted to become ‘political’ and do an interview for The Independent on Sunday.
You may also wish to invest in a computer, which the police can then confiscate.

Job Requirements: Attitude, Ego and Spunk.

Similar jobs: Children’s Entertainer.

Email :

Titles by Neil Deadman

When I Grow Up - careers advice for the hard of thinking

When I Grow Up is informative, educational, cynically satirical, wickedly cruel, fatuously irreverent and, as a saving grace, utter nonsense.
Neil Deadman's guide book takes over from where frustrated careers advisers have given up, hit the bottle and cried themselves to an early grave.
Offering information on a breadth of vocations (including such staple dreams as footballer, spaceman and serial killer) the pros and cons are delightfully noted and supplemented by an outline of the skills required and similar job opportunities - whilst further enhanced by Paul Neads's illustrations.

Those of you stuck in dead end jobs or actively seeking employment may never be the same again.

Adult humour.

"A handy stocking filler for someone you're not too bothered about shopping for."

amazon.co.uk

Price £2.50

Details